Thursday, 5 November 2015
Day 95
Third Eye Blind playing in Manchester tonight and I'm not there. This is why I need to soldier on.
Tuesday, 18 August 2015
Day 16
Day 16 of no gambling and I'm starting to feel really clear albeit with no confidence. However, this quote from a friend really hit home to me:
"I barely trust... to stand up of her own volition. Let alone feed anyone."
"I barely trust... to stand up of her own volition. Let alone feed anyone."
Tuesday, 4 August 2015
Day 3
Posted this on my Facebook tonight:
A SHORT TALE OF MY BOLLOCKS LIFE
Right, I appreciate that this may be a bit too sappy for Facebook, but I rate it slightly above motivational quotes that aren't about masturbation but still below liking to show respect for that guy who opened that door for that person.
This is for my friends who I have endlessly let down and others who may feel the need to understand why I'm such a cockend sometimes. No, it's not you, it's (pretty much always) me. Most of my close friends will know about this but I have to explain before I go away/into home-made rehab for a bit.
About ten years ago, for reasons that go right back to when I was 11 years old, I became addicted to something which has pretty much ruined my life (up until now). This addiction has completely controlled me at times and has put me on a path which has borne countless dark days, embarrassing fuck-ups, mistakes and yah-de-yahs. I accept that we all have our problems, vices and expectations of life but I for one am utterly sick to the teeth of side-lining my passions in life (music, veganism, my friends and falafel) and more importantly, not being there for my friends and constantly hiding away in a corner when things go wrong - all the time. Aside from the fact that this fucking thing has damn near killed me.
I'll spare the details but last year, within the space of a month, I ended up seriously fucking with people that I definitely could have done without fucking with and then I was devastatingly wronged by others. Whilst steps were taken to take care of the first act, the second act and those responsible shall be accounted for at another date, when I'm ready. Things got fucking real and I'm still picking up the pieces. If it wasn't for The Samaritans, I can't say for definite that I'd still be here. The point is, it was a wake-up call.
It is time to sort this, once and for all. I have to go away for a bit and get some proper care. I am incredibly lucky to have my two best friends there for me (again), who have given me the opportunity/support I need to take some time off and focus on getting clean and moving on.
To all the amazing people who have tried everything and shown me love to help me out down the years - thank you. Your kindness and efforts were not in vain. I know it's been ten years but you have given me spells of happiness and joy that not only got me this far, they sustain me every single day. If you don't know who you are, you will. I love you and I also love all my friends, so much - if I haven't seen you for years, it's probably my fault.
Oh, and for anyone who would like to guess: it's not an addiction to farting.
This is for my friends who I have endlessly let down and others who may feel the need to understand why I'm such a cockend sometimes. No, it's not you, it's (pretty much always) me. Most of my close friends will know about this but I have to explain before I go away/into home-made rehab for a bit.
About ten years ago, for reasons that go right back to when I was 11 years old, I became addicted to something which has pretty much ruined my life (up until now). This addiction has completely controlled me at times and has put me on a path which has borne countless dark days, embarrassing fuck-ups, mistakes and yah-de-yahs. I accept that we all have our problems, vices and expectations of life but I for one am utterly sick to the teeth of side-lining my passions in life (music, veganism, my friends and falafel) and more importantly, not being there for my friends and constantly hiding away in a corner when things go wrong - all the time. Aside from the fact that this fucking thing has damn near killed me.
I'll spare the details but last year, within the space of a month, I ended up seriously fucking with people that I definitely could have done without fucking with and then I was devastatingly wronged by others. Whilst steps were taken to take care of the first act, the second act and those responsible shall be accounted for at another date, when I'm ready. Things got fucking real and I'm still picking up the pieces. If it wasn't for The Samaritans, I can't say for definite that I'd still be here. The point is, it was a wake-up call.
It is time to sort this, once and for all. I have to go away for a bit and get some proper care. I am incredibly lucky to have my two best friends there for me (again), who have given me the opportunity/support I need to take some time off and focus on getting clean and moving on.
To all the amazing people who have tried everything and shown me love to help me out down the years - thank you. Your kindness and efforts were not in vain. I know it's been ten years but you have given me spells of happiness and joy that not only got me this far, they sustain me every single day. If you don't know who you are, you will. I love you and I also love all my friends, so much - if I haven't seen you for years, it's probably my fault.
Oh, and for anyone who would like to guess: it's not an addiction to farting.
Thanks, much love, see you soon and sorry for all the times I've failed to show up, Alex.
PS. For those that do know, I'd appreciate it if you didn't give any details to anyone.
Monday, 3 August 2015
Day 2
Even though the title says "Day 2", today was really day 1. Day 1 of the rest of my life. I will write more.
Monday, 16 June 2014
Beercap
I woke up in the middle of the night last night, Nat next to me sleeping. Sweating like Robbie Savage round a dictionary and utterly delirious from lack of sleep and the past 8 days' gluttony, I'd been in and out of dreams; being dropped from the World Cup squad for debauchery and being hunted by the police for anti-sobriety related activities.
I reached out to the bedside table for a seemingly life-extending gulp. I was absolutely gutted to find that it wasn't an ice cold beer. 45 minutes later, it was time to get up for work.
What a time in Nerja, what a level of consumption in my last days of my twenties, what a time to realise that the same-old reality was about to hit hard.
I reached out to the bedside table for a seemingly life-extending gulp. I was absolutely gutted to find that it wasn't an ice cold beer. 45 minutes later, it was time to get up for work.
What a time in Nerja, what a level of consumption in my last days of my twenties, what a time to realise that the same-old reality was about to hit hard.
Sunday, 2 March 2014
End Is Forever
Well then, here we go. Sunday the 2nd of March. Whilst this is technically the lowest/worst I've ever sunk, I feel equipped to take down this illness for the first time in 9 years. I am going to write more regularly. I am not going to put down song titles anymore. I am going to be more honest.
Cruising Henry fell at Newcastle and that is all I need to remember.
Cruising Henry fell at Newcastle and that is all I need to remember.
Wednesday, 23 October 2013
Sunday, 29 September 2013
It's Tragic
The last two days have been the worst and lowest I've ever experienced. But today I has five minutes of feeling like I could one day get better. I went to the pet shop and just looked at the guinea pigs and rabbits. I felt normal for a bit. Probably looked the complete opposite. I am hopeless.
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
Love Steals Us From Loneliness
My anger is a form of madness
So I'd rather have hope than the sadness
So I'd rather have hope than the sadness
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