Dried Piss

It seems like my words have meant nothing.

Vanadian

No particular relevance with the song, it's just song of the day after I recovered from the current misery.

(This is an unfinished blog post from the other day).

Here I am though, in the library, having started my globalisation essay over 5 weeks early! Things could work out yet! The bursary is due on Friday, and I was on the uni radio last week (thanks to Pete and Carl) - as well as completing the Sport Relief six mile run over the weekend. I only managed it in an hour and 25 seconds, but I was taking it easy with Aaron Itzerott. I was happy with my rhythm though, just need to up the speed. There's a 10k this weekend, but it is £25. Hmmm.

Lithuania is booked and the sun is shining, so perhaps I'll avoid blogging about the overruling sadness from the past week or so.

Scrapping the Barrel

Lyrics, rough draft:

After all the life changing moments
That were obliterated by the morning hangover
All I'm left with is an existitential misfire
A note to all the songs lost
And it's as clear today as the night when
Roddy came to me between Propagandhi and Enya
I know you were telling me what I've always suspected:
The first step, merely by its presence, is paramount.
So I sing away the sickness with a voice
That may seem laughable to some
But this step could be a life changing moment.

A Hint and the Incapacity

Yesterday I spent a long time making texts that I didn't want to make, getting replies that were painful to hear, sat listening to this song endlessly in a spot where my Derby Uni journey started a few years ago.

It was an emotional moment, one I'm still coming to terms with.

Transcendence

Saleen Bongo.

RIP Rougham.

The Sound of Winter

Tonight I've seen three things that could change my life forever:

http://www.horsedeathwatch.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvGHMTJLmYQ

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2006/oct/01/horseracing.sport

Truly shocking stuff. I hate myself for being so ignorant. The Winter has been a bad one, but I've been trying! The help has been there too - I must reignite that when Mum and Dad return from Portugal.

The Sun shone so brightly today. Maybe I can finally land the fatal blow on this addiction. That is all I can write for now as I've been at a similar place before. We shall see.

Symptoms + Cures

REALISE THE POWER AT HAND.

Love as a Weapon

This is a war
With love as a weapon
When all that you've lived for is gone

Christ Punchers

I believe, I believe in reality.

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

I've obviously had this addiction for a long time, although along the way I've tried to convince myself that I haven't. However, one feeling has remained constant throughout - at least my addiction isn't physical. I've always maintained that I really can't see how people can get hooked to alcohol.

Recently, things have changed. That is because I'm starting to accept more and more of the science behind addiction. Also, for the first time, the other day, I actually pictured myself as an alcoholic. I have so little faith in myself or my life now that that image is one that I can genuinely imagine coming to fruition.

I haven't blogged in ages. The second half of this year in particular has been the worst ever and I really don't know if I can face my family over Christmas.

Also, I suppose I should note that last Tuesday I went to hospital for a suspected broken toe - turns out it was just fractured. There goes my flawless hospital record.