New Beginnings Day 6

Today I was rained on and it was all my fault.

New Beginnings Day 5

Life isn't where I wanted it to be, nowhere near. But finally, it's heading to where I want it to. A month and a half to go. I've waited a lifetime for this. Will not bollocks it up.

New Beginnings Day 2

Must keep going. It is close. I've made my parents cry far, far, far too much.

New Beginnings Day 1

I've survived today. This could turn out to be the most important day of my life.

Biting Dogs Don't Chew

It's been a few days and I've fallen into old habits - this is precisely why I must carry on. It seems like I expect time to stop whilst I get myself sorted out.

Nope. I can't wait any longer.

Havasu

Well - I didn't get the job. Whilst all I can do right now is feel sad, I'm sure in time that the whole experience can be turned into a positive.

Viola Beach

Life's a race. It's an obstacle course. 
Hide, but you'll never have a choice when you go. 
They would have noticed you if they had known, but you're fucked.

They'll only love you when you're gone, 
or barely hanging on to all your organs and dignity 
while you're rotting in hospitals.
Don't believe it? 
It's not your fault. 
You're just worthless. 
You're one in a million. 

Another day, no dollars

I think it's a real sign of how bad things have been for such a long time when I quietly celebrate days like today, when absolutely nothing happened whatsoever. Onwards!

Untitled

Yesterday was the day it all ends. February 7th, 2016. I have to make it count. With all that I've done, yesterday was the absolute limit. I live to fight on. I live to make days like that not only a distant memory but totally incomprehensible to myself and others. It is time to keep promises to myself, and others.

I am sorry for what I have done. I can't be sorry any more. I need no more reasons to be.

Tallies Yarn

The internet was playing up the other day and I've been off with my blogging. This entry was about my day at work in which I discovered that my colleague grew up in Talysarn. Not only does that make the world feel temporarily small to me, but it also reminds me of how many years have passed and all the shit I've managed to fill them with. I remember how I felt (kind of) growing up in those mountains.

The best thing about the conversation, aside from the memories, is the instant recollection of those feelings of adventure, innocence and wonderment at life. I can still have those. I can evolve.

I hope to return.

Day off (from work)

Last night and this morning I felt a panic I've never felt before. Even though me and *** aren't together any more (and her presence largely makes me feel ill), I just did not want her to leave this morning. I felt utterly abandoned and lonely, I've been paralysed with depression all day. All I've done is sleep as much as possible. Nothing else. Oh, I watched Crimson Tide, which was a lot better than I expected.

Whilst the feeling was absolutely crushing, I can take a positive from it. I'm finally feeling something again, after my heart and soul shut down for the last two years, relative to the nine previous. It means that I have some fight left in me.

It means that I shouldn't have to live too many more days like today. I'm actually going for my run now. It is 9:30pm.

Nowt

Today's theme is nothing - ran nowhere, have no cash and started the work day by being offered a quick step up to the next level, before being told that it was all some kind of administrative error as per general fuckwittery.

I still feel good, though - and that is something. This was hugely helped by being asked on a day/evening out by a customer a couple of days ago. So much so, I told him today that it meant so much to me. I quickly had to tone down the cheesiness by talking about getting mortally wasted.

Which I am looking forward to (after maybe doing at least one run).

Non-Runner

I can't remember what I said last night - did I say I'd run 6 or 7 days a week? Either way, tonight is a night off. I just can't bring myself to go out in this relentless wind, especially after fighting through it every day to get to work.

I haven't mentioned that last Monday my face was all over the screens of every one of William Hill's 2,400 odd shops - video here. I absolutely love my job, like really love it. It's been a long time coming and I hope/bet it will be a happy time for long time to come, too.

However, the day I've feared for over half of my life finally came, last night. I discovered the first presence of vitiligo on my face. Wait, what is that? Vitiligo isn't recognised as an actual word on this browser. Well, last night, the disease felt a lot more real than usual - whilst the patches are only small and just below the jawline, this could be the start of something truly humiliating. I know that it doesn't have to be, I'm just scared.

Absolutely typical that this finally shows its ugly head when I finally need to not look like a total weirdo. I am putting my everything into this broadcasting opportunity presented to me.

What else can I do? Keep on running. Time may be short.

First 1.5 miles

I ran today. I aim to run at least 6 times a week this whole month. 

That's all I have.

Razorblade Suitcase

So much has happened (most of it shit) but what I'd like to write about right now is that I have now moved into the spare room, complete with Manchester United "Premier League Champions" bedsheets from when I was 11 (thanks Mum) and POSTERS. If I am to get well again, I really will have to forget the last ten years happened, so it's kind of nice that my room almost looks like a worryingly immature 21 year old's.

During my clear-out, I found my "Alex's Crosby Stuff" packing list from Year 9. Mum used to make me write everything down on a check-list to make sure I brought everything back, which I failed to do. Seriously, right down to my Isotrexin spot cream. I smiled when I saw it because it reminded me how much my parents always strived to make sure I wasn't cock up. Again, I've failed often in this regard.

Opening the list is what is in my CD carry case, where an asterisk denotes that I am also taking the booklet. My music tastes at 13/14:

Razorblade Suitcase by Bush

6teen Stone (how I wrote it) by Bush

Pablo Honey by Radiohead

In Utero by Nirvana

Electro Shock Blues by Eels

Tellin' Stories by The Charlatans

Blur by Blur

OK Computer by Radiohead

I was actually listening to two of those albums earlier today. Well, tracks from. I need to start listening to full albums again. Whilst my tastes have evolved (incredibly minutely) from 17 years ago, the key to my happiness is rediscovering what made me believe in life back when I first found love (with music).

Also, 2015 was the first year since I started playing guitar that I did not change my strings, thanks to my utter poverty and also, clearly because I've fallen out of love with everything, which in turn causes my poverty.

Well, tonight I changed my strings (thanks to Lewis and his Christmas gift) and it feels fucking incredible.

It's funny - the shitty feeling I live with thanks to years of self-abuse and self-loathing - evaporated, for at least one night - all thanks to doing something I used to love and somehow forgot all about.

The future me must learn to love not only like I used to, but far more than I ever thought possible. I must not let the love my parents showed me go to, well, waste. Even though that it is not quite the right term. I'm not a writer.